In memory and loss

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Hej everyone,

It's been a while again since my latest post. I promised myself I would write more, but some unforeseen circumstances took place in our life. Almost three weeks ago we received a heartbreaking message from home. Tanno's grandpa had suffered a stroke and he wouldn't recover anymore. This hit us pretty hard, especially Tanno and his family. A week later he passed away peacefully.

Tanno and I booked a flight back to the Netherlands to be with family and attend the funeral. The week we spend in the Netherlands was emotional and very busy. A lot of things happened to me that week.

I actually had a really hard time in the Netherlands. Living in the north of Sweden has changed me. I'm surrounded by nature, the quiet and felt more creative than ever. I could finally breathe and just be myself.

The moment I stepped foot again in the Netherlands, that feeling disappeared. I was surrounded by rushing people, crowds and so many sounds. I was instantly overwhelmed. My sister picked us up from the airport and drove us home. The same feeling continued in the car, everyone was rushing in traffic.

And. It. Was. So. Crowded. I felt so overwhelmed all of the time.

I am diagnosed with autism and I do have a hard time with incentives like sounds, crowds and light. So it was very overwhelming for me to suddenly experience the 'ratrace' society again. Now the circumstances were different why we returned to the Netherlands, but I did get a confirmation of why we moved to Sweden. As a highly sensitive person, I long for peace and quiet.

I feel so at peace in Sweden and I seamlessly fit in. Holland is kind of a extravert country while Sweden appears more introvert (from what I've experienced so far). I love to be alone in my own bubble, just creating and just be. I feel happy and at home in the north, but by being back in the Netherlands I feel so misplaced. I feel weird and guilty about the way I am. I feel so insecure and self conscious that it makes me emotional. I've struggled about this for so long, it was such a big impact on my life and now it isn't anymore.

I know that I made the right choice by moving to Sweden.

A few days ago we arrived back home, but I'm still processing this feeling I had. I still experience this flighty feeling and my creativity dissapeared into thin air. That's also why I didn't take any pictures.

I also think I catched the cold or flu from somebody (or maybe it's just my body releasing everything). I'm not feeling very well so the following days I'm going to take my rest and heal.

So quite an emotional blog where I shared something personal, but it's also something I was planning to talk about on my blog. I hoped you like my blog nevertheless.

And this is for Tanno's grandpa, a strong man with an iron will and who loved life. May he rest in peace ❤️



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